Speaking ill of the dead

Is anyone else as nauseated as I am at the public outpouring of affection for the late PJ Mara? In particular, the dewey-eyed reminiscing by journalists of a certain age that has filled the airwaves and the pages of our newspapers for the past few days?

Listen, the late Mr. Mara may have been a loving family man. He was probably kind to small children and animals, too. But that doesn’t change the fact that his professional life was dedicated to serving his Fianna Fail masters, in particular Charles Haughey and Bertie Ahern, more often than not to the detriment of the truth – and the country.

For the likes of Mara, of course, it was nothing personal. It was business. A bit of craic, even. A game.

But for victims of the Fianna Fail shambles of the past couple of decades, it was far more than that. It was financial devastation, it was emigration, it was despair. It was lives shattered. In many cases, it was suicide.

Laugh that off, PJ.

In this country, there is a reluctance to speak ill of the dead. Maybe it’s time we got over it.

PJ Mara personified everything that is wrong with our vermin-infested sewer of a political system. It is noticable that, among all the compliments paid to the erstwhile Fianna Fail spin-master since his death, the words ‘honesty’ and ‘integrity’ are conspicuous by their absence.

Even the press pack knows that would be stretching credulity beyond its limits.

It is, of course, only natural that those who were personally close to Mara should grieve. For my part…well, I’ve never yet gone so far as to lift my leg on someone’s grave. But I’m tempted.

BREAKING: Christie ‘scared’ of 5-year-old refugees

‘I lie awake at night’

By Fats Fatso, our Chris Christie Correspondent

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie last night admitted the prospect of 5-year-old Syrian refugees arriving in the United States scared the hell out of him.

Governor Christie: “Any donuts left?”

“Orphans, especially,” Christie said when asked for a comment by Dog In The Street. “There’s something about 5-year-old orphans that makes me wet my pants. Seriously, they’re right up there with the bogey man. I lie awake at night worrying about them. Ask my mom and she’ll tell you. I sleep with the light on every night.”

Back in September, Governor Christie referenced the photo of the drowned Syrian toddler and said he would “sit down with our allies and figure out how we can help, because America is a compassionate country. We saw the image of that 4-year-old little boy drowned in Syria, and we can’t have those kinds of things.”

And in October, Christie went on to state that the U.S. should “continue to support” allies like Germany and Jordan as they take in refugees, adding that “I’ve said before that if there comes a time when the U.S. needs to take some refugees that we should.”

Asked to explain his about-turn on the refugee issue, Governor Christie responded, “That toddler in the picture was dead. I don’t mind dead refugees, even children. And anyway, he was only four and he was not an orphan. I believe I have been totally consistent in my position. Are there any donuts left?”

REVEALED: Beaumont Hospital latest institution to re-brand

‘If we were a bank in trouble, the feckers would be shovelling money into us’

By Christian Barnyard, Health Correspondent

In a surprise move designed to improve its financial position, Beaumont Hospital today announced that it is to become known as the Bank of Beaumont with immediate effect.

Beaumont: bright future

Speaking to Dog In The Street this morning, Beaumont spokesman Joe Trolley said, “We’ve been racking our brains over the past few months for ways to get more money out of the Government. Then one of the lads said, ‘If we were a bank in trouble, the feckers would be shovelling money into us’. You could say the penny dropped right then.”

So Beaumont Hospital will pretend to be a bank?

“Why not? Anglo Irish did it for years before anyone noticed.”

But the Government won’t fall for that, will they?

“They fell for all the crap the bankers fed them when the banks needed a bailout. There’s no sign they’ve learned any lessons from it.”

Irish Water in Re-branding Shock!

‘Been in the pipeline for some time’

By Phil Mabucket, Water Correspondent

Irish Water: new image

As reported in today’s Sunday Independent, Irish water is planning a major re-branding exercise next year, to coincide with the retirement of Chief Executive John Tierney.

And Dog In The Street can EXCLUSIVELY reveal the new name of the troubled utility company is to be Irish Waster.

A spokesman for Irish Water confirmed the news last night in response to an inquiry from DITS.

“It’s been in the pipeline for some time,” the spokesman confirmed. “We were hoping to push the deadline further downstream, but there have been so many leaks that we’ve decided to make the announcement now before we become submerged in a flood of speculation. As the man said, ‘There is a tide in the affairs of-‘”.

Yes, but why does the company need to be re-branded? Irish Water is only three years old.

“It seems to be the current trend, so we’re going with the flow. Eircom has just re-branded, and so has Mary O’Rourke. Somebody floated the idea that we needed a new image and everybody jumped on board the ship.”

Why Irish Waster?

“We wanted something that expressed the true ethos of our company. Think of all the money we’ve flushed down the toilet in the last three years.  Remember the eighty million we pissed away on consultants alone? On top of that, we had our bonus scheme on tap before we laid a metre of pipe. And just wait till you see how much we sink into this re-branding exercise. It’ll bring tears to your eyes.”

Bank of Ireland spokesman: customers are ‘a complete pain in the ass’

‘What we want is their money, not their love’

By Bill Bailout, Banking Correspondent

Reacting to criticism of its plans to limit cash transactions in its branches, Bank of Ireland today issued a statement describing its customers as “a nuisance”.

Bank of Ireland spokesman

The statement claims that customers, “constantly enter the bank’s branches seeking to interact with staff”. It goes on to say that customers, “expect to find sufficient staff on duty at all times and to spend as little time waiting to be served as possible.”

“Furthermore,” the statement continues, “customers have a ludicrous expectation that they should be treated with basic courtesy and respect at all times. Obviously, no bank can operate under such onerous conditions.”

BOI spokesman Richie Vulture defended the statement when contacted by Dog In The Street.

“We stand by our statement,” Mr. Vulture told us. “The fact of the matter is, our customers are a complete pain in the ass, a total fucking nuisance. And it’s not just us saying that. Ask any other Irish bank and they’ll tell you exactly the same.”

The BOI statement follows recent controversy surrounding its decision to heavily restrict cash transactions in its branches. Although the restrictions were subsequently watered down following a public outcry, Mr. Vulture explained that the bank viewed this as a temporary setback in its ongoing campaign to demoralise and alienate its customer base.

“What we want is their money, not their love,” he said. “Other than that, we want as little as possible to do with our customers. ATMs are the way of the future.”

But what about security concerns surrounding ATMs?

“No problem. If necessary, Enda will send in the troops again.”

Dutch star disses Glasgow porn stars

Dog In The Street EXCLUSIVE!!!

By Polly Amorous – Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink Correspondent

Van Jerk: balls flying everywhere

In an interview with Dutch newspaper De Babbleblabber, Southampton megastar Virgil Van Jerk claims he has already learned more in his short stint in Southampton than he learned during the TWO YEARS he spent in Glasgow.

“There’s no comparison,” explained the Dutch ultrastar and Southampton legend. “The Southampton porn stars are simply in a different league.”

Asked to explain the difference, Van Jerk elaborated:

“The pace is much quicker down here. It’s like being in a pinball machine with the balls flying about everywhere. I’ve struggled at times to keep my concentration, but I’ve learned more in the past few weeks in Southampton than I did in my two years in Glasgow. I’ve really improved my technique and I should be ready for a move to Liverpool by Christmas. After that, it’s Barcelona or bust – if you’ll pardon the pun.”

Van Jerk believes he is a nailed-on certainty to get his big-money move if he keeps up his present level of performance.

“Mind you, I’ll be nailed-on to the wall if my girlfriend ever gets to hear about this,” the self-proclaimed ‘greatest performer of all time’ added with a chuckle.

Saudis claim ‘outstanding’ human rights record being ignored

‘Unfair’ comparison with IS

By Paul Pot, Human Rights Correspondent

Saudi Arabia has hit back angrily at criticism levelled at its human rights record following the selection of the Kingdom to head the United Nations Human Rights Panel.

Saudis: ‘outstanding’ human rights record

“Our record on human rights is right up there with the best of them,” declared Saudi Ambassador, His Excellency Sheik Mahmoneymakah, when contacted by Dog In The Street last night. “And as for all the negative comparisons with Islamic State, that is totally unfair.”

The Ambassador went on to outline what he described as Saudi Arabia’s “outstanding” record on human rights.

“We have beheaded over a hundred people this year alone. On top of that, we have flogged countless others. Our use of torture is second to none. And if all the limbs we have amputated this year were laid end to end, they would reach all the way to the UN headquarters in New York and back again.”

Perhaps His Excellency didn’t quite understand-?

“And, of course, we mustn’t forget the hundreds of children killed by our air strikes in Yemen. Although, going by what you read in the western press, you would hardly think it had happened at all.”

But-

“No no, it’s all about Islamic State, isn’t it? That’s all you westerners are interested in. IS this, IS that, IS the other. I don’t mind telling you, we’re fed up to the back teeth with IS. They’re on the scene a wet weekend and already they’re hogging all the limelight. Honestly, they think they’re all that and a bottle of coke.”

Sheik Mahmoneymakah and friend

Wha-?

“Well, let’s see what they have to say about this: Saudi Arabia is not just going to behead its next victim, we’re going to crucify him, too!”

I think I’m going to vom-

“So off you go now and tell your precious IS: when it comes to human rights, they’re only trotting after Saudi Arabia!”

Sorry about the mess.

EU issues threat to warring parties in Columbia

‘Will deploy Gilmore if fighting does not stop’

In a dramatic move aimed at bringing to an end the decades-long conflict in Columbia, the European Union has announced plans to deploy Eamon Gilmore against the various factions involved in the fighting.

Gilmore: devastates humans

“We intend to deploy Gilmore in if fighting does not cease immediately,” an EU spokesman confirmed yesterday. “These various factions have a choice to make now: it’s going to be their way or Gilmore’s way.”

Asked what effect Gilmore is likely to have upon the people of Columbia, the spokesman replied, “Gilmore operates like a neutron bomb. He causes no damage to infrastructure or property, but he devastates humans. Just ask the people of Ireland.”

In a joint statement issued last night, the Columbian Government, FARC, the ELN and various crime syndicates requested a delay in the deployment of Gilmore.

“The people of Columbia have suffered enough already,” the statement said. “We surrender. Just keep Gilmore in Europe. Better still, send him to Syria.”

Relief as Oregon shootings ‘just an ordinary everyday massacre’

‘Shooter not Muslim’

By Virginia Beck, Massacre Correspondent

There was widespread relief in the United States this morning when it emerged that the Oregon mass murders were not terrorism.

Oregon: ‘everyday shooting’

“It’s definitely an ordinary, everyday massacre,” said an Oregon Law Enforcement spokesman. “The shooter is not a Muslim, thank the Lord. I can’t tell you how relieved we all are.”

Asked what he meant by an ‘everyday’ massacre, the official explained.

“I mean it’s not terrorism, just like Sandy Hook wasn’t terrorism, or Virginia Tech, or Aurora, or Charleston, or…aw Hell, I could go on all day, but you know what I mean. These are all just good, old-fashioned nut-with-a-gun type mass murders. Nothing to get worked up about.”

Mr. Edward ‘Ted’ Gundy, a spokesman for the National Rifle Association, expressed concern that his constitutional right to bear arms would once again come under attack.

“That there Muslin in Wash’ton’s gonna try take our guns again. Ah can feel it in ma waters,” he declared in a televised statement to Good Morning America. In a wide-ranging interview, Mr. Gundy described himself as coming from a ‘gun-loving’ family.

NRA members: gun-loving

“As fur back as ah kin ‘member, my family’s allus loved guns. Why, ma mammy and ma daddy usta go a-shootin’ together ‘fore they wuz married. Yuh know, back when they wuz still just brother ‘n sister.”

Meanwhile, Mike ‘Huck’ Huckleberry, a candidate for the Republican Presidential nomination, condemned what he described as President Obama’s ‘politicisation’ of the mass murders.

“I’m disgusted that the President would drag this unfortunate incident into the campaign,” Mr. Huckleberry declared. “And furthermore, I say to you that if you all vote for me, I will, as President, defend with all my might your constitutional right to massacre whoever you want, wherever you want, at whatever time you choose and, above all, with the weapon of your choice.”

Shock as Jihadi threatens to decapitate senior public servants

‘Heads will roll’ threat!

By Aminda Bunker, Security Correspondent

Jihadi Leo: chilling

The Health Services Executive and the Department of Health were under lockdown last night after a CHILLING threat to decapitate one or more senior public servants was received from a fanatic known as Jihadi Leo.

The hate-filled terrorist figure issued his blood-curdling threat in an email to senior health figures.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a senior public servant described the moment he first set eyes on the HORRIFIC email.

“I’ll never forget it,” he said. “My phone gave a beep and, when I checked my emails, there it was. I don’t mind telling you, my blood ran cold. It was so terrifying that I double-bogeyed the next two holes.”

What exactly was in the email?

“Well, I don’t want to go into graphic detail, but there was a definite threat that ‘a head or heads will roll’. I didn’t read any further in case there were threats to cut off people’s pensions, too. That would just be awful beyond words.”

A Garda spokesman would only confirm that they were aware of the threat and that they were treating it extremely seriously. Unfortunately, he added, the chances of apprehending Jihadi Leo were slim.

Safe house: scum

“This Leo character is holed up in a well-known safe house,” he explained. “It’s pretty much impregnable and it’s crawling with other scum like him who’ve done untold damage to the country over the last decade or two.”

When asked for a comment, a spokesman for the Government would only say, “You’ll never take him alive, suckers!”