Shipwreck Quay developer denies responsibility for development he developed

McNama: ‘I’m the real victim here’

By Bob DeBilder, Construction Correspondent

The developer who developed a development that has been ruled unsafe by both Dublin Fire Brigade and Dublin City Council says it has nothing to do with him.

Shipwreck Quay: Safety concerns

Paddy ‘Boyo’ McNama, whose company, Cowboy Construction, developed the development, says he has more important things to be worried about than serious fire hazards discovered in the Shipwreck Quay apartments complex in central Dublin.

“I’ve been busy going bankrupt over the past few years,” McNama explained to Dog In The Street when our reporter contacted him last night.

“I’m the real victim here. I had to move to England for a couple of years to shake off all these feckers who want money from me. Christ, at one stage I was down to my last Merc. People get all hot and bothered about those Syrian refugees, but there’s precious little sympathy out there for unfortunates like myself and yer man who built Priory Hall. I’m telling you, those refugees wouldn’t want to trade places with the likes of us.”

Mr. McNama pointed out that Cowboy Construction has gone bust and therefore nobody could be held accountable for shoddy building work on the apartment complex. He described the collapse of the development company as a “traumatic time” for himself and his management team.

Yer man who built Priory Hall: victim

“In my capacity as Financial Controller of Cowboy Construction, I had to inform myself, as Chief Executive that the company was going bust. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I can tell you, the two of us didn’t half get pissed that night. On expenses, of course.”

Asked about his future plans, Mr. McNama described his idea for a new development in Dublin.

“I’m going to build a new apartment complex in the Docklands. Inferno Towers.”

A safe investment opportunity?

“Absolutely. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?”

‘Horrific’ parasite identified in US

‘Will cause widespread devastation if allowed to flourish’

By Steph Aurious, Medical Correspondent

What has been described as ‘one of the most vile and disgusting parasites known to man’ has been identified in the United States. And unless immediate steps are taken to control the outbreak, many lives will be put at risk.

Shkreliosis: vile and disgusting

That is the shock news that has rocked healthcare circles, not only in the US, but also worldwide.

“It’s from a family of infectious agents known as ‘Hedgefungi Greediosis’,” explained Dr. Virginia Mayo-Clinic of the North American Doctors Association (NADA) when contacted by Dog In The Street. “This particular specimen is called ‘Shkreliosis’ and it’s one of the nastiest parasites we’ve ever seen.”

Is this the first time Shkreliosis has been found in the US?

“No, it has flared up a number of times in the past, but this is the worst outbreak to date,” said Dr. Mayo-Clinic. “It’s certainly becoming more toxic as time passes. To be honest, it’s one of the most vile and disgusting parasites I’ve ever come across in my time as a health-care professional. It will cause widespread devastation if it’s allowed to flourish – not just here in the US, but all over the world.”

In what conditions does Shkreliosis thrive?

“All of these hedgefungi are driven by one thing: greed. And if you have a situation where greed is allowed to run riot, these parasitic agents will grow and multiply until they’re out of control.”

Has any effective treatment been discovered?

“Not really,” admitted Dr. Mayo-Clinic. “We’ve managed to control this latest outbreak to some extent with heavy doses of adverse publicity, but this kind of parasite is like herpes: it never really goes away. It hides away in sewers and emerges again as soon as the publicity loses its effectiveness.”

Do you see any cure for this disease down the road?

“Well, we can always hope, but the only thing that would be guaranteed to work would be spinal stiffening therapy for our political leaders.”

Any chance of this happening?

“None. There has to be a spine present for the therapy to work.”

Institute slams ‘Different Families’ poster sent to schools

Dr. Sean Slurry of the Ignorant Institute wonders where it will all end

By Polly Amorous, relationships correspondent

Poster: outrage

“Where will it all end?”

That was the reaction of Dr. Sean Slurry, chairman of the Ignorant Institute, when I asked him to comment on the posters celebrating different kinds of families – including those headed by same-sex couples – that are being distributed to primary schools by the Irish National Teachers Organisation.

“This is yet another outrage being perpetrated against the people of wholly Catholic Ireland,” he declared.

“The knees are only worn out of my trousers from all the rosaries I said during the so-called ‘marriage equality’ referendum, and now this obscenity of a poster is being visited on our children. Christ, at this rate I’ll be doing laps of the beads from the moment I get up in the morning until I kneel down to say my bedtime prayers at night.”

What did he object to specifically about the ‘Different Families, Same Love’ posters?

“What do sodomites know about family and love and marriage?” Dr. Slurry demanded to know. “I’ll bet there’s not one of them has been inside a church in a month of Sundays. How can they know anything about marriage and family without taking the expert advice of a priest?”

Dr. Slurry

And single-parent families?

“God bless us and save us, the number of children born out of holy wedlock these days is an absolute disgrace,” stated Dr. Slurry. “Of course, it’s not their fault they’re born illegitimate bastards – and make no mistake, God still loves them anyway. No, it’s the fault of the fornicators who conceived them because they didn’t take precautions like saying a decade of the rosary together when an occasion of sin arises. Or two decades if it’s really bad.  It nearly always worked for me.”

What would Dr. Slurry regard as a proper family unit?

“God be with the time when a man was the head of his household and his word was law,” declared Dr. Slurry. “When a woman knew her place was in the home and the children knew they should be seen and not heard. And all of them loved Holy God in Heaven and obeyed the rules of the Church – if they knew what was good for them. Now that’s what I call a proper family.”

But what if a relationship breaks down? Or there is domestic abuse in the household?

“In my day, you married for life; none of this divorce business. If things went a bit sour and someone collected a few bruises or broken bones along the way, sure couldn’t they offer it up to Holy God in Heaven? These things are sent to try us, but they’re all part of God’s plan.”

Which is?

“Mysterious.”

Five out of six Irish still living in Ireland shock!

‘I wonder if they know the meaning of patriotism at all’

In what has been called a major setback for Government policy, a report from the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development shows that 17.5 per cent of Irish-born people over the age of 15 were living overseas in 2014.

Minister for Emigration

This means that FIVE OUT OF SIX six Irish-born people are STILL living in Ireland despite the best efforts of Government to drive out far higher numbers.

A spokesman for the Government last night conceded that the report signalled a major policy failure.

“We can’t spin our way out of this one,” the spokesman admitted. “We’ve tried our damndest to shift as many of the feckers as we can, but they’re as stubborn as herpes. There’s no getting rid of them at all.”

The spokesman outlined a range of measures taken by the Government to boost emigration levels over the past few years.

“We’ve raised homelessness to record levels, but it’s made feck all difference,” he said. “I ask you, what kind of eejits stay in a country where they have nowhere to live? On top of that, we’ve got patients stacked on hospital trollies like loaves of bread on a supermarket shelf. And we’ve cut benefits to the point where food banks are opening all over the country. But they’re still hanging on for dear life. I sometimes wonder if they know the meaning of patriotism at all.”

Is the Government considering any further policies to raise the level of emigration?

“We’ve been looking at other countries to see what measures are the most successful.”

Did any particular countries stand out?

“The most obvious one is Syria. They’ve given us a few ideas we might try.”

No craic to be had at the Department of Social Protection

Source: No craic to be had at the Department of Social Protection

No craic to be had at the Department of Social Protection

‘A real absence of fun in the workplace’ – Report

By Cheryl Dole, Poverty Correspondent

DSP employee: scruffy

A team of consultants who carried out a review of the Department of Social Protection has reported that the department lacks a proper dress code, that some staff appear “scruffy” and that this “sets the wrong tone for engaging clients…”.

A source within the Department concurred with the finding and confided to Dog In The Street that, “You can’t intimidate those feckin’ slackers if you’re no better dressed than them yourself. There’s nothing like a Louis Copeland suit and tie to put the fear of God into those lazy spongers. Mine’s a G&T when you’re ready.”

The consultants’ report also stated that,scruffy “there is a real absence of fun and social interaction in the workplace.”

Our source confirmed that the craic was indeed severely limited in the DSP.

“Sure how could you knock any enjoyment out of this job when you spend all day listening to a bunch of moany old losers telling you their problems,” he explained, before going on to describe the hardship he has to endure on a day-to-day basis.

“It’s ‘I’m sick’ or ‘I’ve lost me job’. If it’s not that, it’s ‘I’m going to lose my home’ or ‘me husband’s deserted me and the kids’. Honestly, you’ve no idea what they’re like. It’s just me, me, me all day long from beginning to end. You’d think nobody else has any problems. I tell you, if I wasn’t entitled to fourteen days sick every year without a doctor’s cert, I’d nearly pack it all in and the hell with the state pension. I’ll have another G&T when you’re ready.”

When told the consultants had been paid €99,750 to carry out the review, the source commented, “That’s not too shabby, is it?”

Horse flies on Aer Lingus jet to New York!

Could only afford economy-class ticket

Dog In The Street EXCLUSIVE

By Dwight DeLayed – Travel Correspondent

Horse inside

Following stories that emerged last week of a HORSE travelling on a Luas tram in Dublin and of another equine downing pints of Guinness in a Kerry pub, Dog In The Street can reveal that a horse has recently flown to New York aboard an Aer Lingus jet.

An Aer Lingus source has confirmed the story, pointing out that the horse had been impeccably behaved and had got on famously with other passengers and the cabin crew.

As to possible problems with hygeine and body odour, the source said, “The horse was perfectly happy. He had no complaints to make on that score at all.”

A spokesman for the horse said, “Those American Homeland Security people asked him every question you could think of. About the only thing they didn’t ask was: Why the long face? But in the end they let him through once they were sure he wasn’t a Muslim. And, of course, they could see for themselves he was white. ”

How did the horse handle the long journey?

“Not too bad. He could only afford an economy class ticket, so it was a bit cramped. But he’s used to that from travelling on Dublin Bus. The thing that really pissed him off, though, was that he’d seen all the movies before.”

REVEALED: Uncontrollable VD outbreak sparks Westminster alert!

‘Has reached truly alarming levels’

By Youssef Commons, Westminster Correspondent

diarrhoea

Hot on the heels of an outbreak of drug-resistant gonorrhoea in northern England, an outbreak of uncontrollable verbal diarrhoea has swept through Westminster, causing alarm among public health experts.

“One always finds a certain level of VD around Westminster,” said a spokesman for Public Health England when contacted by Dog In The Street. “However, in the past few weeks it has become resistant to all our efforts and is now uncontrollable. It has reached truly alarming levels.”

When asked where the uncontrollable VD strain had originated, the spokesman said it appeared to have erupted first from a well-known source with an extremely toxic history.

“We thought Tony Blair had been neutralised some time ago, but unfortunately it now appears he was merely lying dormant,” the spokesman explained. “As soon as we heard his ‘fantasy land’ and ‘Alice in Wonderland’ comments about Jeremy Corbyn, we knew we were in trouble. It was like the little Dutch boy taking his thumb out of the dyke: before we could react, Blair had unleashed an absolute torrent of excrement. There was no way we could handle the volume of shit he produced. We were completely overwhelmed.”

Blair

The spokesman went on to explain how the highly-contagious strain of VD had swept through Westminster.

“Cameron was next, of course, with his comment about Labour being a threat to national security. After that it swept both sides of the House as well as the press corps.”

Was there any sign of the outbreak abating?

The spokesman was not optimistic. “God knows how we’re going to get it under control now. I mean, if you can’t put toothpaste back in the tube, what chance have we got this stuff?”

Westlife disappointment for millions worldwide!

Music lovers set for bad news

Dog In The Street EXCLUSIVE!!

By Anton Deck, Celebrity Correspondent

Boyband Westlife yesterday delivered bad news for music lovers everywhere when they confirmed the famous boy band WOULD be reuniting.

Shane Filan confirmed the news yesterday, but didn’t rule out the band ever breaking up again.

“You never know in music,” he mused. “We could get sick of the sight of each other pretty quickly. It’s even more likely we’ll get fed up churning out the same muck we’ve been producing all these years.”

He did stress, however, that this was unlikely – despite fevered speculation circulating online.

“They’re complete rumours, there are no plans for a breakup. I mean, you never know what could happen down the line, but honestly there are no plans, it’s not fair to give people false hope.”

When contacted by DITS for a quote, Louis Walsh answered, “Hello…Simon? Is that you Simon? Do you want me back? Simon?”

REVEALED: Former minister in rebranding shock!!

Mary O’Rourke to rebrand as ‘mor’

‘mor’

In a move that is guaranteed to send shockwaves through Irish political circles, former Fianna Fail TD and government minister, Mary O’Rourke today announced she is to undergo rebranding.

“The Mary O’Rourke brand has too many negative connotations,” lisped the former Fianna Fail minister when she was contacted by Dog In The Street.

“I don’t want people to remember me forever as the two-faced, Fianna Fail bitch who led them up the garden path over the eircom flotation,” she explained. “The new brand will better reflect my present role, patronising the nation from my position as permanent fixture on RTE and Newstalk.”

When asked how her erstwhile party colleagues had reacted to the news, Ms. O’Rourke said the reaction had been overwhelmingly positive.

Fianna Fail

“You’d almost think they were glad to see the back of Mary O’Rourke,” the self-styled ‘mammy’ of the FF party chuckled. “As a matter of fact, I told them that a rebranding of Fianna Fail itself might not be such a bad idea at all.”

And did mor have any suggestions for a new FF brand name?

“I think just plain ‘Fail’ would fit the bill,” she declared. “After all, that’s what the party is most associated with.”