BREAKING: Christie ‘scared’ of 5-year-old refugees

‘I lie awake at night’

By Fats Fatso, our Chris Christie Correspondent

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie last night admitted the prospect of 5-year-old Syrian refugees arriving in the United States scared the hell out of him.

Governor Christie: “Any donuts left?”

“Orphans, especially,” Christie said when asked for a comment by Dog In The Street. “There’s something about 5-year-old orphans that makes me wet my pants. Seriously, they’re right up there with the bogey man. I lie awake at night worrying about them. Ask my mom and she’ll tell you. I sleep with the light on every night.”

Back in September, Governor Christie referenced the photo of the drowned Syrian toddler and said he would “sit down with our allies and figure out how we can help, because America is a compassionate country. We saw the image of that 4-year-old little boy drowned in Syria, and we can’t have those kinds of things.”

And in October, Christie went on to state that the U.S. should “continue to support” allies like Germany and Jordan as they take in refugees, adding that “I’ve said before that if there comes a time when the U.S. needs to take some refugees that we should.”

Asked to explain his about-turn on the refugee issue, Governor Christie responded, “That toddler in the picture was dead. I don’t mind dead refugees, even children. And anyway, he was only four and he was not an orphan. I believe I have been totally consistent in my position. Are there any donuts left?”

Saudis claim ‘outstanding’ human rights record being ignored

‘Unfair’ comparison with IS

By Paul Pot, Human Rights Correspondent

Saudi Arabia has hit back angrily at criticism levelled at its human rights record following the selection of the Kingdom to head the United Nations Human Rights Panel.

Saudis: ‘outstanding’ human rights record

“Our record on human rights is right up there with the best of them,” declared Saudi Ambassador, His Excellency Sheik Mahmoneymakah, when contacted by Dog In The Street last night. “And as for all the negative comparisons with Islamic State, that is totally unfair.”

The Ambassador went on to outline what he described as Saudi Arabia’s “outstanding” record on human rights.

“We have beheaded over a hundred people this year alone. On top of that, we have flogged countless others. Our use of torture is second to none. And if all the limbs we have amputated this year were laid end to end, they would reach all the way to the UN headquarters in New York and back again.”

Perhaps His Excellency didn’t quite understand-?

“And, of course, we mustn’t forget the hundreds of children killed by our air strikes in Yemen. Although, going by what you read in the western press, you would hardly think it had happened at all.”

But-

“No no, it’s all about Islamic State, isn’t it? That’s all you westerners are interested in. IS this, IS that, IS the other. I don’t mind telling you, we’re fed up to the back teeth with IS. They’re on the scene a wet weekend and already they’re hogging all the limelight. Honestly, they think they’re all that and a bottle of coke.”

Sheik Mahmoneymakah and friend

Wha-?

“Well, let’s see what they have to say about this: Saudi Arabia is not just going to behead its next victim, we’re going to crucify him, too!”

I think I’m going to vom-

“So off you go now and tell your precious IS: when it comes to human rights, they’re only trotting after Saudi Arabia!”

Sorry about the mess.

Relief as Oregon shootings ‘just an ordinary everyday massacre’

‘Shooter not Muslim’

By Virginia Beck, Massacre Correspondent

There was widespread relief in the United States this morning when it emerged that the Oregon mass murders were not terrorism.

Oregon: ‘everyday shooting’

“It’s definitely an ordinary, everyday massacre,” said an Oregon Law Enforcement spokesman. “The shooter is not a Muslim, thank the Lord. I can’t tell you how relieved we all are.”

Asked what he meant by an ‘everyday’ massacre, the official explained.

“I mean it’s not terrorism, just like Sandy Hook wasn’t terrorism, or Virginia Tech, or Aurora, or Charleston, or…aw Hell, I could go on all day, but you know what I mean. These are all just good, old-fashioned nut-with-a-gun type mass murders. Nothing to get worked up about.”

Mr. Edward ‘Ted’ Gundy, a spokesman for the National Rifle Association, expressed concern that his constitutional right to bear arms would once again come under attack.

“That there Muslin in Wash’ton’s gonna try take our guns again. Ah can feel it in ma waters,” he declared in a televised statement to Good Morning America. In a wide-ranging interview, Mr. Gundy described himself as coming from a ‘gun-loving’ family.

NRA members: gun-loving

“As fur back as ah kin ‘member, my family’s allus loved guns. Why, ma mammy and ma daddy usta go a-shootin’ together ‘fore they wuz married. Yuh know, back when they wuz still just brother ‘n sister.”

Meanwhile, Mike ‘Huck’ Huckleberry, a candidate for the Republican Presidential nomination, condemned what he described as President Obama’s ‘politicisation’ of the mass murders.

“I’m disgusted that the President would drag this unfortunate incident into the campaign,” Mr. Huckleberry declared. “And furthermore, I say to you that if you all vote for me, I will, as President, defend with all my might your constitutional right to massacre whoever you want, wherever you want, at whatever time you choose and, above all, with the weapon of your choice.”

‘Horrific’ parasite identified in US

‘Will cause widespread devastation if allowed to flourish’

By Steph Aurious, Medical Correspondent

What has been described as ‘one of the most vile and disgusting parasites known to man’ has been identified in the United States. And unless immediate steps are taken to control the outbreak, many lives will be put at risk.

Shkreliosis: vile and disgusting

That is the shock news that has rocked healthcare circles, not only in the US, but also worldwide.

“It’s from a family of infectious agents known as ‘Hedgefungi Greediosis’,” explained Dr. Virginia Mayo-Clinic of the North American Doctors Association (NADA) when contacted by Dog In The Street. “This particular specimen is called ‘Shkreliosis’ and it’s one of the nastiest parasites we’ve ever seen.”

Is this the first time Shkreliosis has been found in the US?

“No, it has flared up a number of times in the past, but this is the worst outbreak to date,” said Dr. Mayo-Clinic. “It’s certainly becoming more toxic as time passes. To be honest, it’s one of the most vile and disgusting parasites I’ve ever come across in my time as a health-care professional. It will cause widespread devastation if it’s allowed to flourish – not just here in the US, but all over the world.”

In what conditions does Shkreliosis thrive?

“All of these hedgefungi are driven by one thing: greed. And if you have a situation where greed is allowed to run riot, these parasitic agents will grow and multiply until they’re out of control.”

Has any effective treatment been discovered?

“Not really,” admitted Dr. Mayo-Clinic. “We’ve managed to control this latest outbreak to some extent with heavy doses of adverse publicity, but this kind of parasite is like herpes: it never really goes away. It hides away in sewers and emerges again as soon as the publicity loses its effectiveness.”

Do you see any cure for this disease down the road?

“Well, we can always hope, but the only thing that would be guaranteed to work would be spinal stiffening therapy for our political leaders.”

Any chance of this happening?

“None. There has to be a spine present for the therapy to work.”