Speaking ill of the dead

Is anyone else as nauseated as I am at the public outpouring of affection for the late PJ Mara? In particular, the dewey-eyed reminiscing by journalists of a certain age that has filled the airwaves and the pages of our newspapers for the past few days?

Listen, the late Mr. Mara may have been a loving family man. He was probably kind to small children and animals, too. But that doesn’t change the fact that his professional life was dedicated to serving his Fianna Fail masters, in particular Charles Haughey and Bertie Ahern, more often than not to the detriment of the truth – and the country.

For the likes of Mara, of course, it was nothing personal. It was business. A bit of craic, even. A game.

But for victims of the Fianna Fail shambles of the past couple of decades, it was far more than that. It was financial devastation, it was emigration, it was despair. It was lives shattered. In many cases, it was suicide.

Laugh that off, PJ.

In this country, there is a reluctance to speak ill of the dead. Maybe it’s time we got over it.

PJ Mara personified everything that is wrong with our vermin-infested sewer of a political system. It is noticable that, among all the compliments paid to the erstwhile Fianna Fail spin-master since his death, the words ‘honesty’ and ‘integrity’ are conspicuous by their absence.

Even the press pack knows that would be stretching credulity beyond its limits.

It is, of course, only natural that those who were personally close to Mara should grieve. For my part…well, I’ve never yet gone so far as to lift my leg on someone’s grave. But I’m tempted.

REVEALED: Beaumont Hospital latest institution to re-brand

‘If we were a bank in trouble, the feckers would be shovelling money into us’

By Christian Barnyard, Health Correspondent

In a surprise move designed to improve its financial position, Beaumont Hospital today announced that it is to become known as the Bank of Beaumont with immediate effect.

Beaumont: bright future

Speaking to Dog In The Street this morning, Beaumont spokesman Joe Trolley said, “We’ve been racking our brains over the past few months for ways to get more money out of the Government. Then one of the lads said, ‘If we were a bank in trouble, the feckers would be shovelling money into us’. You could say the penny dropped right then.”

So Beaumont Hospital will pretend to be a bank?

“Why not? Anglo Irish did it for years before anyone noticed.”

But the Government won’t fall for that, will they?

“They fell for all the crap the bankers fed them when the banks needed a bailout. There’s no sign they’ve learned any lessons from it.”

Irish Water in Re-branding Shock!

‘Been in the pipeline for some time’

By Phil Mabucket, Water Correspondent

Irish Water: new image

As reported in today’s Sunday Independent, Irish water is planning a major re-branding exercise next year, to coincide with the retirement of Chief Executive John Tierney.

And Dog In The Street can EXCLUSIVELY reveal the new name of the troubled utility company is to be Irish Waster.

A spokesman for Irish Water confirmed the news last night in response to an inquiry from DITS.

“It’s been in the pipeline for some time,” the spokesman confirmed. “We were hoping to push the deadline further downstream, but there have been so many leaks that we’ve decided to make the announcement now before we become submerged in a flood of speculation. As the man said, ‘There is a tide in the affairs of-‘”.

Yes, but why does the company need to be re-branded? Irish Water is only three years old.

“It seems to be the current trend, so we’re going with the flow. Eircom has just re-branded, and so has Mary O’Rourke. Somebody floated the idea that we needed a new image and everybody jumped on board the ship.”

Why Irish Waster?

“We wanted something that expressed the true ethos of our company. Think of all the money we’ve flushed down the toilet in the last three years.  Remember the eighty million we pissed away on consultants alone? On top of that, we had our bonus scheme on tap before we laid a metre of pipe. And just wait till you see how much we sink into this re-branding exercise. It’ll bring tears to your eyes.”

Bank of Ireland spokesman: customers are ‘a complete pain in the ass’

‘What we want is their money, not their love’

By Bill Bailout, Banking Correspondent

Reacting to criticism of its plans to limit cash transactions in its branches, Bank of Ireland today issued a statement describing its customers as “a nuisance”.

Bank of Ireland spokesman

The statement claims that customers, “constantly enter the bank’s branches seeking to interact with staff”. It goes on to say that customers, “expect to find sufficient staff on duty at all times and to spend as little time waiting to be served as possible.”

“Furthermore,” the statement continues, “customers have a ludicrous expectation that they should be treated with basic courtesy and respect at all times. Obviously, no bank can operate under such onerous conditions.”

BOI spokesman Richie Vulture defended the statement when contacted by Dog In The Street.

“We stand by our statement,” Mr. Vulture told us. “The fact of the matter is, our customers are a complete pain in the ass, a total fucking nuisance. And it’s not just us saying that. Ask any other Irish bank and they’ll tell you exactly the same.”

The BOI statement follows recent controversy surrounding its decision to heavily restrict cash transactions in its branches. Although the restrictions were subsequently watered down following a public outcry, Mr. Vulture explained that the bank viewed this as a temporary setback in its ongoing campaign to demoralise and alienate its customer base.

“What we want is their money, not their love,” he said. “Other than that, we want as little as possible to do with our customers. ATMs are the way of the future.”

But what about security concerns surrounding ATMs?

“No problem. If necessary, Enda will send in the troops again.”

Shock as Jihadi threatens to decapitate senior public servants

‘Heads will roll’ threat!

By Aminda Bunker, Security Correspondent

Jihadi Leo: chilling

The Health Services Executive and the Department of Health were under lockdown last night after a CHILLING threat to decapitate one or more senior public servants was received from a fanatic known as Jihadi Leo.

The hate-filled terrorist figure issued his blood-curdling threat in an email to senior health figures.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a senior public servant described the moment he first set eyes on the HORRIFIC email.

“I’ll never forget it,” he said. “My phone gave a beep and, when I checked my emails, there it was. I don’t mind telling you, my blood ran cold. It was so terrifying that I double-bogeyed the next two holes.”

What exactly was in the email?

“Well, I don’t want to go into graphic detail, but there was a definite threat that ‘a head or heads will roll’. I didn’t read any further in case there were threats to cut off people’s pensions, too. That would just be awful beyond words.”

A Garda spokesman would only confirm that they were aware of the threat and that they were treating it extremely seriously. Unfortunately, he added, the chances of apprehending Jihadi Leo were slim.

Safe house: scum

“This Leo character is holed up in a well-known safe house,” he explained. “It’s pretty much impregnable and it’s crawling with other scum like him who’ve done untold damage to the country over the last decade or two.”

When asked for a comment, a spokesman for the Government would only say, “You’ll never take him alive, suckers!”

Shipwreck Quay developer denies responsibility for development he developed

McNama: ‘I’m the real victim here’

By Bob DeBilder, Construction Correspondent

The developer who developed a development that has been ruled unsafe by both Dublin Fire Brigade and Dublin City Council says it has nothing to do with him.

Shipwreck Quay: Safety concerns

Paddy ‘Boyo’ McNama, whose company, Cowboy Construction, developed the development, says he has more important things to be worried about than serious fire hazards discovered in the Shipwreck Quay apartments complex in central Dublin.

“I’ve been busy going bankrupt over the past few years,” McNama explained to Dog In The Street when our reporter contacted him last night.

“I’m the real victim here. I had to move to England for a couple of years to shake off all these feckers who want money from me. Christ, at one stage I was down to my last Merc. People get all hot and bothered about those Syrian refugees, but there’s precious little sympathy out there for unfortunates like myself and yer man who built Priory Hall. I’m telling you, those refugees wouldn’t want to trade places with the likes of us.”

Mr. McNama pointed out that Cowboy Construction has gone bust and therefore nobody could be held accountable for shoddy building work on the apartment complex. He described the collapse of the development company as a “traumatic time” for himself and his management team.

Yer man who built Priory Hall: victim

“In my capacity as Financial Controller of Cowboy Construction, I had to inform myself, as Chief Executive that the company was going bust. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I can tell you, the two of us didn’t half get pissed that night. On expenses, of course.”

Asked about his future plans, Mr. McNama described his idea for a new development in Dublin.

“I’m going to build a new apartment complex in the Docklands. Inferno Towers.”

A safe investment opportunity?

“Absolutely. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?”

Institute slams ‘Different Families’ poster sent to schools

Dr. Sean Slurry of the Ignorant Institute wonders where it will all end

By Polly Amorous, relationships correspondent

Poster: outrage

“Where will it all end?”

That was the reaction of Dr. Sean Slurry, chairman of the Ignorant Institute, when I asked him to comment on the posters celebrating different kinds of families – including those headed by same-sex couples – that are being distributed to primary schools by the Irish National Teachers Organisation.

“This is yet another outrage being perpetrated against the people of wholly Catholic Ireland,” he declared.

“The knees are only worn out of my trousers from all the rosaries I said during the so-called ‘marriage equality’ referendum, and now this obscenity of a poster is being visited on our children. Christ, at this rate I’ll be doing laps of the beads from the moment I get up in the morning until I kneel down to say my bedtime prayers at night.”

What did he object to specifically about the ‘Different Families, Same Love’ posters?

“What do sodomites know about family and love and marriage?” Dr. Slurry demanded to know. “I’ll bet there’s not one of them has been inside a church in a month of Sundays. How can they know anything about marriage and family without taking the expert advice of a priest?”

Dr. Slurry

And single-parent families?

“God bless us and save us, the number of children born out of holy wedlock these days is an absolute disgrace,” stated Dr. Slurry. “Of course, it’s not their fault they’re born illegitimate bastards – and make no mistake, God still loves them anyway. No, it’s the fault of the fornicators who conceived them because they didn’t take precautions like saying a decade of the rosary together when an occasion of sin arises. Or two decades if it’s really bad.  It nearly always worked for me.”

What would Dr. Slurry regard as a proper family unit?

“God be with the time when a man was the head of his household and his word was law,” declared Dr. Slurry. “When a woman knew her place was in the home and the children knew they should be seen and not heard. And all of them loved Holy God in Heaven and obeyed the rules of the Church – if they knew what was good for them. Now that’s what I call a proper family.”

But what if a relationship breaks down? Or there is domestic abuse in the household?

“In my day, you married for life; none of this divorce business. If things went a bit sour and someone collected a few bruises or broken bones along the way, sure couldn’t they offer it up to Holy God in Heaven? These things are sent to try us, but they’re all part of God’s plan.”

Which is?

“Mysterious.”

Five out of six Irish still living in Ireland shock!

‘I wonder if they know the meaning of patriotism at all’

In what has been called a major setback for Government policy, a report from the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development shows that 17.5 per cent of Irish-born people over the age of 15 were living overseas in 2014.

Minister for Emigration

This means that FIVE OUT OF SIX six Irish-born people are STILL living in Ireland despite the best efforts of Government to drive out far higher numbers.

A spokesman for the Government last night conceded that the report signalled a major policy failure.

“We can’t spin our way out of this one,” the spokesman admitted. “We’ve tried our damndest to shift as many of the feckers as we can, but they’re as stubborn as herpes. There’s no getting rid of them at all.”

The spokesman outlined a range of measures taken by the Government to boost emigration levels over the past few years.

“We’ve raised homelessness to record levels, but it’s made feck all difference,” he said. “I ask you, what kind of eejits stay in a country where they have nowhere to live? On top of that, we’ve got patients stacked on hospital trollies like loaves of bread on a supermarket shelf. And we’ve cut benefits to the point where food banks are opening all over the country. But they’re still hanging on for dear life. I sometimes wonder if they know the meaning of patriotism at all.”

Is the Government considering any further policies to raise the level of emigration?

“We’ve been looking at other countries to see what measures are the most successful.”

Did any particular countries stand out?

“The most obvious one is Syria. They’ve given us a few ideas we might try.”