REVEALED: Beaumont Hospital latest institution to re-brand

‘If we were a bank in trouble, the feckers would be shovelling money into us’

By Christian Barnyard, Health Correspondent

In a surprise move designed to improve its financial position, Beaumont Hospital today announced that it is to become known as the Bank of Beaumont with immediate effect.

Beaumont: bright future

Speaking to Dog In The Street this morning, Beaumont spokesman Joe Trolley said, “We’ve been racking our brains over the past few months for ways to get more money out of the Government. Then one of the lads said, ‘If we were a bank in trouble, the feckers would be shovelling money into us’. You could say the penny dropped right then.”

So Beaumont Hospital will pretend to be a bank?

“Why not? Anglo Irish did it for years before anyone noticed.”

But the Government won’t fall for that, will they?

“They fell for all the crap the bankers fed them when the banks needed a bailout. There’s no sign they’ve learned any lessons from it.”

Bank of Ireland spokesman: customers are ‘a complete pain in the ass’

‘What we want is their money, not their love’

By Bill Bailout, Banking Correspondent

Reacting to criticism of its plans to limit cash transactions in its branches, Bank of Ireland today issued a statement describing its customers as “a nuisance”.

Bank of Ireland spokesman

The statement claims that customers, “constantly enter the bank’s branches seeking to interact with staff”. It goes on to say that customers, “expect to find sufficient staff on duty at all times and to spend as little time waiting to be served as possible.”

“Furthermore,” the statement continues, “customers have a ludicrous expectation that they should be treated with basic courtesy and respect at all times. Obviously, no bank can operate under such onerous conditions.”

BOI spokesman Richie Vulture defended the statement when contacted by Dog In The Street.

“We stand by our statement,” Mr. Vulture told us. “The fact of the matter is, our customers are a complete pain in the ass, a total fucking nuisance. And it’s not just us saying that. Ask any other Irish bank and they’ll tell you exactly the same.”

The BOI statement follows recent controversy surrounding its decision to heavily restrict cash transactions in its branches. Although the restrictions were subsequently watered down following a public outcry, Mr. Vulture explained that the bank viewed this as a temporary setback in its ongoing campaign to demoralise and alienate its customer base.

“What we want is their money, not their love,” he said. “Other than that, we want as little as possible to do with our customers. ATMs are the way of the future.”

But what about security concerns surrounding ATMs?

“No problem. If necessary, Enda will send in the troops again.”