BREAKING: Christie ‘scared’ of 5-year-old refugees

‘I lie awake at night’

By Fats Fatso, our Chris Christie Correspondent

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie last night admitted the prospect of 5-year-old Syrian refugees arriving in the United States scared the hell out of him.

Governor Christie: “Any donuts left?”

“Orphans, especially,” Christie said when asked for a comment by Dog In The Street. “There’s something about 5-year-old orphans that makes me wet my pants. Seriously, they’re right up there with the bogey man. I lie awake at night worrying about them. Ask my mom and she’ll tell you. I sleep with the light on every night.”

Back in September, Governor Christie referenced the photo of the drowned Syrian toddler and said he would “sit down with our allies and figure out how we can help, because America is a compassionate country. We saw the image of that 4-year-old little boy drowned in Syria, and we can’t have those kinds of things.”

And in October, Christie went on to state that the U.S. should “continue to support” allies like Germany and Jordan as they take in refugees, adding that “I’ve said before that if there comes a time when the U.S. needs to take some refugees that we should.”

Asked to explain his about-turn on the refugee issue, Governor Christie responded, “That toddler in the picture was dead. I don’t mind dead refugees, even children. And anyway, he was only four and he was not an orphan. I believe I have been totally consistent in my position. Are there any donuts left?”

REVEALED: Beaumont Hospital latest institution to re-brand

‘If we were a bank in trouble, the feckers would be shovelling money into us’

By Christian Barnyard, Health Correspondent

In a surprise move designed to improve its financial position, Beaumont Hospital today announced that it is to become known as the Bank of Beaumont with immediate effect.

Beaumont: bright future

Speaking to Dog In The Street this morning, Beaumont spokesman Joe Trolley said, “We’ve been racking our brains over the past few months for ways to get more money out of the Government. Then one of the lads said, ‘If we were a bank in trouble, the feckers would be shovelling money into us’. You could say the penny dropped right then.”

So Beaumont Hospital will pretend to be a bank?

“Why not? Anglo Irish did it for years before anyone noticed.”

But the Government won’t fall for that, will they?

“They fell for all the crap the bankers fed them when the banks needed a bailout. There’s no sign they’ve learned any lessons from it.”

Irish Water in Re-branding Shock!

‘Been in the pipeline for some time’

By Phil Mabucket, Water Correspondent

Irish Water: new image

As reported in today’s Sunday Independent, Irish water is planning a major re-branding exercise next year, to coincide with the retirement of Chief Executive John Tierney.

And Dog In The Street can EXCLUSIVELY reveal the new name of the troubled utility company is to be Irish Waster.

A spokesman for Irish Water confirmed the news last night in response to an inquiry from DITS.

“It’s been in the pipeline for some time,” the spokesman confirmed. “We were hoping to push the deadline further downstream, but there have been so many leaks that we’ve decided to make the announcement now before we become submerged in a flood of speculation. As the man said, ‘There is a tide in the affairs of-‘”.

Yes, but why does the company need to be re-branded? Irish Water is only three years old.

“It seems to be the current trend, so we’re going with the flow. Eircom has just re-branded, and so has Mary O’Rourke. Somebody floated the idea that we needed a new image and everybody jumped on board the ship.”

Why Irish Waster?

“We wanted something that expressed the true ethos of our company. Think of all the money we’ve flushed down the toilet in the last three years.  Remember the eighty million we pissed away on consultants alone? On top of that, we had our bonus scheme on tap before we laid a metre of pipe. And just wait till you see how much we sink into this re-branding exercise. It’ll bring tears to your eyes.”

Bank of Ireland spokesman: customers are ‘a complete pain in the ass’

‘What we want is their money, not their love’

By Bill Bailout, Banking Correspondent

Reacting to criticism of its plans to limit cash transactions in its branches, Bank of Ireland today issued a statement describing its customers as “a nuisance”.

Bank of Ireland spokesman

The statement claims that customers, “constantly enter the bank’s branches seeking to interact with staff”. It goes on to say that customers, “expect to find sufficient staff on duty at all times and to spend as little time waiting to be served as possible.”

“Furthermore,” the statement continues, “customers have a ludicrous expectation that they should be treated with basic courtesy and respect at all times. Obviously, no bank can operate under such onerous conditions.”

BOI spokesman Richie Vulture defended the statement when contacted by Dog In The Street.

“We stand by our statement,” Mr. Vulture told us. “The fact of the matter is, our customers are a complete pain in the ass, a total fucking nuisance. And it’s not just us saying that. Ask any other Irish bank and they’ll tell you exactly the same.”

The BOI statement follows recent controversy surrounding its decision to heavily restrict cash transactions in its branches. Although the restrictions were subsequently watered down following a public outcry, Mr. Vulture explained that the bank viewed this as a temporary setback in its ongoing campaign to demoralise and alienate its customer base.

“What we want is their money, not their love,” he said. “Other than that, we want as little as possible to do with our customers. ATMs are the way of the future.”

But what about security concerns surrounding ATMs?

“No problem. If necessary, Enda will send in the troops again.”