REVEALED: Beaumont Hospital latest institution to re-brand

‘If we were a bank in trouble, the feckers would be shovelling money into us’

By Christian Barnyard, Health Correspondent

In a surprise move designed to improve its financial position, Beaumont Hospital today announced that it is to become known as the Bank of Beaumont with immediate effect.

Beaumont: bright future

Speaking to Dog In The Street this morning, Beaumont spokesman Joe Trolley said, “We’ve been racking our brains over the past few months for ways to get more money out of the Government. Then one of the lads said, ‘If we were a bank in trouble, the feckers would be shovelling money into us’. You could say the penny dropped right then.”

So Beaumont Hospital will pretend to be a bank?

“Why not? Anglo Irish did it for years before anyone noticed.”

But the Government won’t fall for that, will they?

“They fell for all the crap the bankers fed them when the banks needed a bailout. There’s no sign they’ve learned any lessons from it.”

REVEALED: Coalition in stunning election offer!

DOG IN THE STREET EXCLUSIVE!

Barry O’Nama, Political correspondent

“straightforward, honest”

In a radical move designed to simplify the election process, the coalition parties have decided to offer straight cash payments in return for votes.

“It’s time for a bit of honesty, time to cut the crap out of election politics,” a spokesman for the coalition stated after the historic decision had been made.

“Instead of all the crazy promises, we’ve decided to cut to the chase and offer hard cash for votes,” the spokesman explained. “We’ll never fool the eejits a second time.”

When it was suggested the coalition could be accused of unethical behaviour, the spokesman disagreed.

“This is about bringing integrity back to the election process,” he pointed out. “We’re getting rid of the lies and false promises and instead we’re offering straightforward, honest bribes. In political terms, this is a game-changer.”

A Fianna Fail spokesman reacted with astonishment when informed of the coalition plan.

“I’m astonished,” he said. “How come we didn’t think of it first?”

A spokesman for Sinn Fein would only say the party was already looking at various fund-raising initiatives to meet the cost of buying votes. A spokesman for the Northern Bank said security was being stepped up.