‘Shooter not Muslim’
By Virginia Beck, Massacre Correspondent
There was widespread relief in the United States this morning when it emerged that the Oregon mass murders were not terrorism.
“It’s definitely an ordinary, everyday massacre,” said an Oregon Law Enforcement spokesman. “The shooter is not a Muslim, thank the Lord. I can’t tell you how relieved we all are.”
Asked what he meant by an ‘everyday’ massacre, the official explained.
“I mean it’s not terrorism, just like Sandy Hook wasn’t terrorism, or Virginia Tech, or Aurora, or Charleston, or…aw Hell, I could go on all day, but you know what I mean. These are all just good, old-fashioned nut-with-a-gun type mass murders. Nothing to get worked up about.”
Mr. Edward ‘Ted’ Gundy, a spokesman for the National Rifle Association, expressed concern that his constitutional right to bear arms would once again come under attack.
“That there Muslin in Wash’ton’s gonna try take our guns again. Ah can feel it in ma waters,” he declared in a televised statement to Good Morning America. In a wide-ranging interview, Mr. Gundy described himself as coming from a ‘gun-loving’ family.
“As fur back as ah kin ‘member, my family’s allus loved guns. Why, ma mammy and ma daddy usta go a-shootin’ together ‘fore they wuz married. Yuh know, back when they wuz still just brother ‘n sister.”
Meanwhile, Mike ‘Huck’ Huckleberry, a candidate for the Republican Presidential nomination, condemned what he described as President Obama’s ‘politicisation’ of the mass murders.
“I’m disgusted that the President would drag this unfortunate incident into the campaign,” Mr. Huckleberry declared. “And furthermore, I say to you that if you all vote for me, I will, as President, defend with all my might your constitutional right to massacre whoever you want, wherever you want, at whatever time you choose and, above all, with the weapon of your choice.”
Dog in the Street 